Why Don't Men Include Photos of Themselves in Dating Profiles?
My wife and I were recently reading Kasidie forums and a (frequent) question appeared about "Why Don't Men Include Photos of Themselves in Dating Profiles?" If you've yet to stumble across this topic in a lifestyle forum, you'll discover it's a heated topic.
To some, it's a simple matter of "Why not?", but to others, it can be a topic of sexism and gender equality. As I'm the one who builds our profile with my wife's review/approval, it's 1:4 pics of me vs. her. I'll provide my own personal insights at the end of this article. But it's weird...with many dating profiles saying "We don't respond to profiles without a photo of the male", why *wouldn't* someone post more photos of the male half?
There was LOTs of speculation and conjecture, and we each had our own theories. So I did what anyone in product development/marketing would do...dig for a mix of qualitative and quantitative data. So within 5 minutes, I hacked together a survey that was devoid of any academic rigor. Nonetheless, it yielded interesting results - there weren't any surprises, but it made me rethink some assumptions.
Here's our findings...
Opinions defending absentee males came down to these two themes...
1. He's always holding the camera
2. He's in a public position and can't be outed
Opinions from those who want to see men "man up" came down to these two themes....
1. He's insecure
2. He's unattractive
While the opinions defending the absentee males were sharply refuted, there was lots of speculation around "play styles" and the relationship/ls dynamic of the couple - essentially, a distinction was drawn between the "Down-to-Fuck" vs. "Social FWB Swingers". The speculation on the forum was "DTF couples are less likely to show the men because they only search for and meet other DTF couples. In this case, we might be looking at the wrong classification or correlation between "discriminating" and "down-to-fuck". Something to explore later because our data showed NO substantial difference here.
There was also speculation about the relationship/LS dynamic. In this case, forum members said "when the male drives the LS activities and coordinates with other men, it doesn't matter if they show pics of the male". Again, our data doesn't suggest this.
The respondents are grouped as the following...
1. Couple (125) vs. Male (1) vs. Female (2)
2. DTF (25) vs. Full-swap FWB (83) vs. Soft-Swing (19)
3. Who manages the profile? The male (54), the female (17), together (57) *
* Allowing the "couple" as a choice was a a blunder on my part. In retrospect, it should have been "who primarily manages the profile and finding couples". I will assume that 20% of those couples truly us it together, but the rest follow the ratio of male to female "managers". In this case, it would look more like 85 Men manage the dating profile,32 Women manage the dating profile, 11 do it together. I'll ask this again in a future survey and see if we can improve this result with future data.
Seeing these results was gratifying because it generally reflects our assumptions about the ratio of lifestyle play styles. I'd be curious to see how others see these - do they seem "right"? Higher? Lower?
What this means for you
While it's not surprising "full-swap DTF" couples prefer NOT to see male with clothes on, it was interesting to see that "Fully Nude" is statistically identical at around 16%+/-. It's interesting to see that ~1/3 of Social Full-Swap & Soft Swinger simply need/prefer clothed pics. I'd interpret this as the more conservative end of the swinging continuum - couples who truly look at new couples as potential "friends" FIRST before "benefits".
Interestingly, women really prefer to see semi-nude/shirtless pics or clothes SIGNIFICANTLY over nude.
I found it amusing that no woman thinks a dick pic is "Awesome". But generally the results are the same as those by style with 1/3 feeling a dick pic is "Too much".
What this means for you...
While there are a few people who indicated it's "awesome" to see a dick pic, you'll fare better by not including one - save it for when you get to know someone, and then, only make it part of a sexy chat session after they say they want it.
Personally, I have a limited number of photos of myself on my profile. I'm a relatively average-looking guy who started trying to get more fit since entering the lifestyle a year ago. I'm down 30 lbs, but still have a "dad belly" attached to a lean frame. IE, my physicality isn't going to feed any female fantasies. I have to fall back on my confidence, charm, and personality...if I'm lucky, I find myself in front of a sapiosexual who appreciates the brainier types.
My personal theory of "why" men are hesitant to post a photo of themselves is a byproduct of how our female spouses process attraction, and subsequently discuss their interest in someone. We hear our female spouses say things like "look at that hat" or "he's too skinny", or "he's too muscular", or "his veins are showing...eeew", or a dozen other "little details". Men (to generalize) will look at a woman and say either "yes" or "no", but generally "yes". It's the "80-20 rule" that women are attracted to 20% of the men at a party, and men are attracted to 80% of the women. With this level of "pickiness" by women, it makes men a lot more vulnerable. Again, this is my biased theory...what's yours?
Our conclusion is obvious - men need to man-up and provide some eye-candy for the ladies. Convey confidence, personality and style within these photos and you'll hardly go wrong. If you're very insecure about your appearance, do a clothed pic with a great looking outfit. If you're comfortable around the pool, add some pics without a shirt on - it'll increase the odds of people reaching out to you.
Just save your dic pic until someone asks.
To some, it's a simple matter of "Why not?", but to others, it can be a topic of sexism and gender equality. As I'm the one who builds our profile with my wife's review/approval, it's 1:4 pics of me vs. her. I'll provide my own personal insights at the end of this article. But it's weird...with many dating profiles saying "We don't respond to profiles without a photo of the male", why *wouldn't* someone post more photos of the male half?
There was LOTs of speculation and conjecture, and we each had our own theories. So I did what anyone in product development/marketing would do...dig for a mix of qualitative and quantitative data. So within 5 minutes, I hacked together a survey that was devoid of any academic rigor. Nonetheless, it yielded interesting results - there weren't any surprises, but it made me rethink some assumptions.
Here's our findings...
From the forums...
Opinions defending absentee males came down to these two themes...
1. He's always holding the camera
2. He's in a public position and can't be outed
Opinions from those who want to see men "man up" came down to these two themes....
1. He's insecure
2. He's unattractive
While the opinions defending the absentee males were sharply refuted, there was lots of speculation around "play styles" and the relationship/ls dynamic of the couple - essentially, a distinction was drawn between the "Down-to-Fuck" vs. "Social FWB Swingers". The speculation on the forum was "DTF couples are less likely to show the men because they only search for and meet other DTF couples. In this case, we might be looking at the wrong classification or correlation between "discriminating" and "down-to-fuck". Something to explore later because our data showed NO substantial difference here.
There was also speculation about the relationship/LS dynamic. In this case, forum members said "when the male drives the LS activities and coordinates with other men, it doesn't matter if they show pics of the male". Again, our data doesn't suggest this.
The Data
To get some quantitive reinforcement, I quickly hacked together a Google form, and promoted it on Kasidie, Reddit r/Swingers and Twitter. I was lucky to get a boost from some LS advocates with large followings. We harvested 128 responses before turning off the survey. As someone who does this professionally, I'll note this is possibly the worst survey I've ever designed due to a) building in 5 minutes, and b) doing so at 2 am. But it still revealed some interesting data.Questions were...
1. "We (or the female half) prefer to see photos of the male..." with (pick one) options for...- Shirtless / Semi-Nude
- Full Nude
- Clothed
- Awesome
- Nice
- Whatever
- Too Much
- He's insecure
- Unattractive
- Fake
4. "When a profile doesn't include a pic of the male, we MIGHT CONTACT because..." (multiple choice)
- Wife is exceptionally attractive
- Play style is Female-Female only
The respondents are grouped as the following...
1. Couple (125) vs. Male (1) vs. Female (2)
2. DTF (25) vs. Full-swap FWB (83) vs. Soft-Swing (19)
3. Who manages the profile? The male (54), the female (17), together (57) *
Results
| Full Swap DTF | Social-FWB | Soft-Swing | |||||
| 26 | 20% | 83 | 65% | 19 | 15% | ||
Seeing these results was gratifying because it generally reflects our assumptions about the ratio of lifestyle play styles. I'd be curious to see how others see these - do they seem "right"? Higher? Lower?
Won't Contact the Couple Because they Assume the Male is...
| By Play Style | Full Swap DTF | Social-FWB | Soft-Swing | Total | ||||||||
| Unattractive | 15 | 57.7% | 47 | 56.6% | 12 | 63.2% | 59% | |||||
| Lacks Confidence | 6 | 23.1% | 23 | 27.7% | 5 | 26.3% | 26% | |||||
| Fake | 4 | 15.4% | 26 | 31.3% | 4 | 21.1% | 23% | |||||
These had no big statistical anomalies - they all ran fairly "flat" across the categories. My wife is highly attracted to confidence and I would have assumed that "Insecurity" would have a higher number, but most simply assume the husband is unattractive and "hiding". But, when we slice it by "who" manages the profile, we get a significant insight...
| By Who Manages the Profile | Together | Male | Female | Total | ||||
| Unattractive | 35 | 61% | 31 | 57% | 11 | 65% | 61% | |
| Lacks Confidence | 16 | 28% | 8 | 15% | 9 | 53% | 32% | |
| Fake | 20 | 35% | 11 | 20% | 6 | 35% | 30% | |
Women care a LOT about "confidence" almost as much as they care about attractiveness.
Might Contact the Couple Because...
Might Contact the Couple Because...
| By Play Style | Full Swap DTF | Social-FWB | Soft-Swing | Total | ||||||||
| Wife is exceptional | 8 | 31% | 25 | 30% | 4 | 5% | 22% | |||||
| Play style is FF-only | 1 | 4% | 4 | 5% | 2 | 2% | 4% | |||||
This provided a very interesting distinction between Full-Swap Couples and Soft-Swing couples with 1/3 of full-swap couples willing to contact a couple if there's no photo of the male. Play style being only FF was statistically irrelevant.
| By Who Manages the Profile | Together | Male | Female | Total | ||||
| Wife is exceptional | 14 | 25% | 21 | 39% | 7 | 41% | 35% | |
| Play style is FF-only | 3 | 5% | 1 | 2% | 3 | 18% | 8% | |
What this means for you
This means 60% of people WON'T contact you if you don't have at least 1 photo of the male regardless of how smoking hot the female is. If it's a woman managing the account, it assumed you're unattractive or insecure, or both, or insecure about your attractiveness.
Prefer to See Pics of the Male...
| By Play Style | Full Swap DTF | Social-FWB | Soft-Swing | Total | ||||||||
| Semi Nude / Shirtless | 20 | 77% | 46 | 55% | 10 | 53% | 62% | |||||
| Clothed | 2 | 8% | 23 | 28% | 6 | 32% | 22% | |||||
| Fully Nude | 4 | 15% | 14 | 17% | 3 | 16% | 16% | |||||
While it's not surprising "full-swap DTF" couples prefer NOT to see male with clothes on, it was interesting to see that "Fully Nude" is statistically identical at around 16%+/-. It's interesting to see that ~1/3 of Social Full-Swap & Soft Swinger simply need/prefer clothed pics. I'd interpret this as the more conservative end of the swinging continuum - couples who truly look at new couples as potential "friends" FIRST before "benefits".
| By who manages the profile | Together | Male | Female | Total | ||||
| Semi Nude / Shirtless | 38 | 67% | 27 | 50% | 12 | 71% | 62% | |
| Clothed | 14 | 25% | 14 | 26% | 2 | 12% | 21% | |
| Fully Nude | 5 | 9% | 13 | 24% | 3 | 18% | 17% | |
Interestingly, women really prefer to see semi-nude/shirtless pics or clothes SIGNIFICANTLY over nude.
What this means for you
The problem with this question is that it doesn't make distinctions around the male aesthetics - fit, thin, muscular, a belly etc. I'll do a new survey soon, but...
1. A clothed photo of the male will never disqualify you, and provides an opportunity to show your style.
2. A shirtless beach/lake photo showing some physicality is the most desired. Regardless of whether a couple is looking at a photo to qualify vs. disqualify someone, just own it.
3. While the data doesn't specify this, I'd venture to say "full nude" works if you have a stunning physique and the photo is tasteful. However, including a fully nude pic isn't necessary according to the data.
Dick Pics are...
| By Play Style | Full Swap DTF | Social-FWB | Soft-Swing | All | ||||||||
| Awesome | 2 | 8% | 5 | 6% | 1 | 5% | 6% | |||||
| Nice | 4 | 16% | 12 | 14% | 2 | 11% | 14% | |||||
| Whatever | 15 | 60% | 30 | 36% | 8 | 42% | 46% | |||||
| Too Much | 4 | 16% | 36 | 43% | 8 | 42% | 34% | |||||
To the "Full-swap DTF" couple, a dick pic is (as one would assume) no big deal - only 16% said it was "Too Much". However, 85% does NOT want to see it. What's fascinating is how "Awesome" and "Nice" seem to track identically across all groups. These are both statistically low with "Whatever...Don't Care" being the the majority of the sentiment.
| By who manages the profile | Together (57) | Male (54) | Female (17) | All | ||||
| Awesome | 4 | 7% | 4 | 7% | 0 | 0% | 5% | |
| Nice | 5 | 9% | 10 | 19% | 4 | 24% | 17% | |
| Whatever | 26 | 46% | 20 | 37% | 7 | 41% | 41% | |
| Too Much | 22 | 39% | 20 | 37% | 6 | 35% | 37% | |
I found it amusing that no woman thinks a dick pic is "Awesome". But generally the results are the same as those by style with 1/3 feeling a dick pic is "Too much".
What this means for you...
While there are a few people who indicated it's "awesome" to see a dick pic, you'll fare better by not including one - save it for when you get to know someone, and then, only make it part of a sexy chat session after they say they want it.
Conclusion
Just as the survey was created at 2 am, this conclusion was written at 2am. What did we miss in terms of insights? What did you find interesting? What confirmed or defied assumptions?Personally, I have a limited number of photos of myself on my profile. I'm a relatively average-looking guy who started trying to get more fit since entering the lifestyle a year ago. I'm down 30 lbs, but still have a "dad belly" attached to a lean frame. IE, my physicality isn't going to feed any female fantasies. I have to fall back on my confidence, charm, and personality...if I'm lucky, I find myself in front of a sapiosexual who appreciates the brainier types.
Our conclusion is obvious - men need to man-up and provide some eye-candy for the ladies. Convey confidence, personality and style within these photos and you'll hardly go wrong. If you're very insecure about your appearance, do a clothed pic with a great looking outfit. If you're comfortable around the pool, add some pics without a shirt on - it'll increase the odds of people reaching out to you.
Just save your dic pic until someone asks.
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